Life Over Love Page 11

  During the forty minute drive to Atlanta Ryker kept Brianna’s mind off things by making small talk. He made her laugh by telling her how he’d been doing his best to avoid her. “Yeah I drive different ways to work, which sucks because I’m late all the time. I go different routes when I’m doing my rounds. I even went to the store before work thinking it was too early to run into you, and I almost broke my nose on the drink machine. I saw you coming and when I turned around too fast, Wham! I wacked my face right in front of the door person!”

  Brianna hit her knee and covered her mouth because she was laughing so hard. “The door greeter, they’re called door greeters. That explains why I haven’t had to try so hard to avoid you lately! Thanks by the way.” He glanced at her “for what leaving you alone?” She said “yeah that too, but really for everything else, mostly for being so respectful.” He felt her looking at him while he drove. “Ah well you don’t really want the likes of me inter fearing with your life, I get it. There’s no way I’d survive in your shoes, and the kids would’ve probably starved long ago with me.”

  She was still studying his profile when she asked “how do you know so much about me anyhow?” She kept looking at him expectantly, until he asked “Hmm?” She said “Yeah. How’d you know all that stuff about me? Like how I’d read my favorite book over and over, my favorite color, and all that other stuff, after only knowing me for a few days?”

  “Oh that, well I’m a very observant person I guess. I’m pretty good at reading people, and you’re pretty much an open book.” He cleared his throat and went on. “Some stuff‘s easy like your favorite color, your toe nails are always painted some shade of blue, and your bed spread is that dark blue color. The book you were reading was already dog eared and looked warped like you’d gotten wet like that before. As far as the rest I just noticed and admired those things about you.”

  He got a little uneasy about the silence, but then she said “I’m sorry Ryker.” He glanced at her “Brianna you’ve got no reason to apologize to me, I was outta line. I had no right to hurt you like I did the last time we talked.” She touched his arm. “Still you were right about me though, before and that day. I had made up my mind not to drink like that again, but I wanted to hurt you back.” She smiled and told him “I thought I was at that guy’s house when I woke up on your couch.”

  “Oh that’s right, you’d never been inside my place. I should’ve been there when you woke up, not that it would’ve made any difference. How’d you figure out you were at my place anyhow?” “I saw my stuff in your fridge and Chelsea’s drawing hanging on the door. That was sweet that you kept it.”

  Her hand slipped off his arm and rested on his leg. He in intentionally flexed his jaw, grabbed her hand, and put it back down in her own lap. He said “Sorry, but unless you want me to pull over you better keep your hands to yourself sweet heart.”

  She rolled her eyes, and looked around “ok, we’re almost there, so what do I say?” She seemed genuinely worried so he told her “don’t worry. I can ask all the questions, and we’ll just pick up the kids, no big deal.” She nodded although she said “You don’t know his family, everything is a big deal to them. His mom was practically begging me to give Mike one more chance the last time we talked. I told her everything, but her baby can do no wrong. I even promised that she could stay with the kids, and come over to pick them up sometimes, Oh my gosh that’s probably why this crap happened in the first place!” He nodded, “See everything’s fine” he hoped.

  When they pulled up the kids were playing in the yard. Brianna couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. She ran to them and they ran to her and all three met together hugging on the lawn.

  Mrs. Garcia and Mike’s older brother were sitting on the porch. Ryker nodded and walked up to them. “Hello Mrs. Garcia” He shook her hand introducing himself “I’m officer Danner, Brianna’s friend.” He noticed some amount of relief in the older woman’s eyes. She introduced her son and the two shook hands. Ryker turned back towards her. “It seems there’s been a misunderstanding, the school called me because Brianna was unaware that you were picking the kids up today.

  She looked confused and spoke in Spanish to her son, he interpreted what Ryker had said, listened to her while she spoke excitedly, and started to repeat what his mother had said, but she interjected in English. “No sir, no! Yes there was a big misunderstanding, a big problem, si’! I love my grandbabies, officer. I love my daughter-in-law too! Has she been scared all day? We talked the other day about me picking up the kids, we’ve been outside all the day! I haven’t been near to answer the phone, oh my no! How worried she must’ve been!” No longer able to stay put the older lady skipped down the steps towards Brianna. He watched while she hugged and petted her, fussing about her, and clearing trying to make amends.

  Ryker looked back towards Mike’s older brother and directed his next question towards him, the ladies at the school said, that the kids were picked up by their grandmother and father, did you tell them that you were the kids father?”

  Mike’s brother considered the question for a moment the answered. “They must’ve misunderstood me, we talked about them seeing him, he’s getting out tomorrow, and my mom wanted to surprise him, maybe that’s what happened with the gringas.”

  The two men stared at each other, the way guys do, sizing up one another. Brianna came walking up towards the car with the kids. Ryker walked back towards the car too, but not before he heard the other man mumble “Marrano” and he spat on the ground. Ryker laughed upon hearing the word used to describe cops meaning pig in Spanish.

  Without turning around he just winked at the other fellow and nodded while he walked back to the car. Mrs. Garcia was still hugging Brianna around the shoulders when he reached them. Chelsea took a break from begging to spend the night long enough to hug Ryker around the neck and play with the goatee he’d been considering keeping.

  Brody ran to him too and for the first time Ryker heard him talk, holding his little toddler fists up he said “you wanna piece a me?” in the gruffest little baby voice he’d ever heard. They all laughed at the cute baby boy. Chelsea hopped back down, promising everything she could think of to spend the night with grand mommy and granddaddy.

  Brianna consented, but she made Mrs. Garcia promise not to let Mike take her kids anywhere until he had all his legal issues in check. She made her promise that if he couldn’t find a ride to call her so she could come pick them up, and she felt fine with leaving them for the weekend.

  She kissed the kids a few more times and they left. She enjoyed riding back home with Ryker, as especially without the worries she’d had when they’d been on the way. She wished things could’ve been different between them, she clung stubbornly to the theory that being with someone meant giving up part of one’s independence.

  Looking at Ryker she knew she was in love with him, and feeling like she was incapable of giving him the hundred percent he deserved she unselfishly hoped that he would meet someone who could. When she stubbornly focused on all that she would have to give up to let him into her life, she immediately decided against it, thinking it was her choice. I’d rather have life over love at the end of the day she thought.

  Oh, but how wonderful it felt being in his arms. Even just being together like this, when she caught herself thinking this way it bothered her, she felt like it was out of her hands though. She looked at him behind the steering wheel of her car, and she remembered him sing the theme song of The Little Mermaid to her baby and felt it impossible not to love him.

  The last several miles were traveled in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Ryker did not want to lose her again, but he could already feel her putting that wall right back up, and he was at a loss on how to stop it. He drove below the speed limit back to the station, trying to think of the best way to make her see that they owed it to themselves to see this thing through.

  When he got to the station he parked and didn’t get the chance to say anything before she
already started talking. “Ryker, I can’t thank you enough for helping me today. I wouldn’t have been able to keep it together without you.” She’d intended on kissing his cheek, but he grabbed his chance and kissed her like he’d been wanting too for what seemed like ages. She reluctantly broke off the kiss. “Do you get a kick out of messing with me?” He asked, and she said “No, but I just can’t do this! You don’t want a fling, you want me to give up everything I’ve, managed to do here! Ryker, you want me to give up my life, I’m sorry I just can’t, no I won’t do that!” He tried to stay calm, he wanted to be patient, but he felt like her stubbornness was just wasting precious time, time better spent together, loving each other, not like this, foolishly throwing away something that could be amazing, simply because it was a little scary. “Brianna, it does not have to be that way. I’m asking you to share your life with me. I don’t want to take away from you, I just want you to let me into your heart. Brianna, why can’t you just let me love you? Let me, please.”

  He was rubbing her shoulder, but she brushed his hand away. “Yeah well, that sounds great and all, but it’s not real either. Honestly, think about it, let’s just say we moved in together. Ok so we’re together la de da and I wanted to go to the store, no big deal right? Well let’s just say I wanted some time to myself and I spent a little longer than I should have at the store, can you honestly say that you wouldn’t question me Ryker? Wanna know where I’d been for so long? Or even if I miscalculated how much I owed for the bills one month and maybe I spent too much at the mall, or whatever dumb thing I might do, you wouldn’t ask me about it? I wouldn’t have to explain myself to you?”

  She stopped talking and looked at him expectantly, when she thought he was going to say something she began again. “You know I’m right Ryker, you know it, and I don’t want to have to answer for all the crazy junk I do, ever. I like being able to come and go as I please and not worry about how someone else feels. I know it’s selfish, but that’s how I feel.”

  He agreed she shouldn’t have to worry about any of those things, and most people don’t even know what it feels like to constantly have that burden, so he got out of her car. She came around and got in the driver seat, He leaned over her window. “Brianna I wish you would think about this, it’s not like that with everyone. Sure I might ask you things, but that’d be all I was doing, just asking. Besides it’s not like I’m saying we should move in together, or get married for crying out loud. Won’t you just think about it please? Think about me?” She looked up at him, she did want him in life “Ryker can’t we be friends? I’m too messed up to pretend to be a normal person in a relationship.”

  Man she is the most exasperating woman I’ve ever known he thought, and wished desperately that they could’ve been just friends. “No Brianna, we can’t. What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do in this scenario? Hang out with you and your kids, and what watch you get ready for your dates on Friday nights? Or maybe I could baby sit for you Brianna, how about that? Yeah I’ll just baby sit for you so that you can go out and have these flings that you’re so fond of, but weren’t built for by the way! Is that what you want from me? Oh no wait I forgot, that’s right you don’t want anything from me. I guess I’m just supposed to watch you waste your life and at the same time keep searching for my Mrs. Right. Would that work for you? Huh? Well it doesn’t work for me.” He felt like he was drowning and he was trying desperately to say whatever he could that might save him, anything that might get through to her.

  He told her then as he would a friend “you keep it up like this Brianna, and you’re going to end up alone.” To soften his words he kissed her once more, tasting them with his tongue, he ran his hand through her hair and said “You’re way to pretty to end up like that sweetie.”

  He left her then and she drove out of the parking lot of the police station and for the second time that day she found it almost too difficult to drive through the tears.

  Brianna had the weekend off and went shopping. Chelsea’s birthday was coming up and she was finally going to use the gift certificates that Ryker had given them. She bought several new outfits for spring and bought a special purple and zebra striped tutu, with a t shirt that said Birthday Girl, and matching leggings.

  She was glad to know that Dominique and Aiden were still seeing each other. Dominique knew that both Ryker and Brianna were suffering, he had stopped by the night before, with presents for the girls, but she knew it was really to talk to someone that knew them both. She felt awful seeing him so broken up again over something that was out of his control. The last time he’d been so miserable was when her Martin had died. They had been best friends since childhood and partners on the force for a couple of years when he’d been killed and Ryker had never forgiven himself. He stopped coming around, for a long time he’d withdrawn from the people that knew and love him, in favor of people he would never want to have any emotional attachment to, as a way to punish himself she’d guessed. He even stopped going to the church he’d grown up, and served a two year mission for.

  When he left she’d hugged him and sincerely asked him to come back more often. She knew that it was hard for him to visit his dear friends home and not see him in it , but for her seeing Ryker there had the opposite effect, she was reminded of times when her husband was a happy guy glad to be goofing around with his best friend. Dominique had to admit that she’d never seen him in all the years she’d known him, as far back as grade school, so bent out of shape over any woman.

  She knew as well that Brianna was miserable in her own right, oh sure Brianna chose not to see it, but it was there still plain as day to Dominique. She would catch her sweet friend in moments of silence when she’d be looking down at the floor, or the window sill, or wall, and it would be there on her face the sadness that was in her heart. She still talked excitedly about the things going on in her life, but Dominique worried about her just the same. Dominique wished fervently that she could help them both.

  18

  Brianna spent Sunday looking into technical schools that offered the paralegal classes that she wanted to take. She also went and saw a chic flic by herself trying to pass the time before the kids would be home. She ordered some take out, she settled down to read a book, and enjoy her Chinese. She must have dozed off because the tapping on the window startled her.

  Her heart skipped a beat to see Mike standing at the door, but not in that anticipation of something good kind of way, but in the oh crap what’s going to happen next kind. She smiled pleasantly and opened the door. “Come on in you guys, hey baby” she said as she hugged her daughter.

  Mike asked where he should take Brody and she showed him to the kid’s room, he noticed that his picture was hung in several prominent spots around the room. She asked “How’d you get here? You didn’t drive did you?” He shook his head and told her “No ma’am I didn’t.” Looking around he said you’ve really done well for yourself Bri, I’m proud of you.” She tried not to let it show much she detested his touch by letting him continue to caress her cheek, and then rest his hand on her shoulder.

  He noticed her detachment, but thought it was due to the fact that they hadn’t seen each other for so long. He thought that she must’ve been feeling awkward with him. He worried though that maybe she didn’t really believe him about the gun charges so he asked “Brianna are you mad at me? I promise I didn’t drive, but by Wednesday I’ll have all my stuff in order. Ok? Brianna, now that I’m out I was kind of hoping that we could have a fresh start, you know the way we were the first time I got the kids for the weekend? I never really got the chance to apologize for everything that went wrong between us, and I was wondering if you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Wait, before you answer I want you to know too, that I was real messed up for a long time, and not just the drinking, but I was mixed up in some bad things, and I hated myself for not being the kind of guy you deserved, I want you to know I’m sorry for that.”

  Brianna looked at him and a
ll she saw was a stranger that happened to have the same color eyes and hair as her son, other than that she realized that she had never even known this man who was standing before her. She wasn’t interested in the least in getting to know him now either. She hoped that for the kids’ sake they could have some sort of cordial relationship, and she hoped he would find a decent woman to share his life with and help him make better choices.

  Mike felt like she had changed in the time he’d been gone, as if the last time he’d seen her she’d been a girl, but now she was a woman, not physically just emotionally. He hope that he could win over this woman’s heart as he’d once been able to the girl’s.

  “Brianna, I’ve been seeking counseling, and I feel pretty positive that I can be there for you this time Bri, if you’d just give me another shot. I know you felt something, the last time I touched you, Bri, even though we were just flirting.”

  She wanted to tell him no absolutely not, but Chelsea ran around the corner and hopped up in her daddy’s arms whom she loved so much. “We missed you daddy, didn’t we momma?” She cried and instead of arguing, she nodded, and Mike pulled her in for what looked like a warm embrace. “Well, I gotta go girls, my brother’s in the car, I don’t want to keep him waiting.” He kissed Chelsea then Brianna’s cheek. “Can I see you again Brianna, just the two of us sometime so that we can talk?” He looked at her waiting for her response, instead of making any promises, she said “How about you come to Chelsea’s party next Saturday, bring your family as well. I’ll call you with details.” He looked at her and asked “What about us Bri?” She was trying not to lose her temper, she didn’t want argue with him in her apartment trying either, she decided to just go along with him if anything to get him to go home.

  “I’ll think about it Mike, but I don’t want to confuse the kids, or change anything in our lives.” He felt hopeful hearing that she would at least think about it. “That’s what I’m talking about Bri, before I know it I’m going to wake up one day and realize they are grown. You left me half a year ago Bri! I know I don’t have a right ask after the way I behaved, but I still have to try. You gotta know that I’d give up anything to wash away the past make in clean, but I can’t, all I’ve got is the hope that tomorrow will get better, and next day after that, Bri. I’m sorry Bri, you have no idea how sorry.”