Life Over Love Read online

  Brianna squeezed her eyes tight shut, bracing herself for the blow to come, and only the shaking of her shoulders revealed to Ryker the sheer panic that she had felt the minute she heard the book hit him like that. Every protective instinct he’d had burned beneath his chest, and he wanted to tear apart the looser that could do this to any woman. My God he thought, she is someone’s daughter! She is your daughter’s mother, for Christ sakes. He was at her side like a flash, she flinched when he embraced her firmly against his body.

  Brianna you’re going to have to trust me, baby I’m here now, you’re stuck with me.” He’d just noticed that the kids weren’t around when he asked “where are the kids?” Feeling like a jerk for it, but still thinking it anyways his mind wandered back to where they’d left off last night. Brianna answered him saying “My friend Dominique took them for the night.”

  Acting as if his mind weren’t completely in the gutter he asked “Oh, I know her, I haven’t seen her in a while.” She decided to play along and saying “I know she told me.” He nodded and proving that he wasn’t even listening he slowly bent down to kiss her.

  She thought about Dominique’s earlier visit and remembering what she’d said she kissed him back with a fervor that matched her zeal from the night before. The embrace wasn’t fast or too slow, the best word one would use to describe it would have to be thorough. Both parties were quick studies, learning of each other utilizing all their senses. All of which seemed heightened, intensified.

  Brianna opened her eyes coincidentally at the same moment Ryker opened his. As clear as if he’d said the words aloud she knew he loved her. She knew because he’d wanted her to know it, and he hadn’t said it because he’d wanted her to feel it like he did, and know it as a fact in her heart. He’d said with eyes all he ever wanted her to know, that the love he felt for her right then at that moment was as real, and was for him it would remain so for the rest of his life.

  When they had stopped and the two stood back against the sink, both catching their breath, both knowing that everything had changed. He rubbed her shoulders with a circling motion of his thumbs. She reached up encircling her arms around his neck, pulling him down for another kiss. She wanted very much to forget the way he had looked at her with his gorgeous amber eyes. She wanted to forget that she couldn’t last five minutes around him without wondering what it would be like to just give in and let go. Brianna wanted to forget everything, like the fact that she became a complete basket case and couldn’t even play around with him like a normal girlfriend.

  However she couldn’t forget any of those things. When she closed her eyes all she saw was the way she knew he’d felt without even having to speak the words, and it scared her. It scared her as much as anything had ever frightened her before. To her this was just as dangerous as any situation she’d ever been. She refused to relinquish that much power over her to anyone ever again.

  She already felt humiliation for acting like such a coward earlier. Brianna tore herself away from his seeking mouth and out of his arms. She had moved away so quickly he had to catch himself on the sink ledge. He wasn’t sure what’d happened, turning to look at her, he saw her busily mopping up the sticky floor with a towel at her feet. He needn’t guess for long. She picked up the towel when she’d finished, balled it up, and threw it into the laundry.

  Without so much as even making eye contact, she let him have it. “Ryker, I’m sorry, I’m sure you think I was leading you on, but I can’t do this. It’s not going to work for me. I think you should go.” Ryker turned on the water at the sink, watching the water run over his hand for a few minutes, then rubbed his face in frustration. Before responding he turned around again, quietly watching her as she fidgeted around the room, turning off the stove, and basically acting as if he were already gone.

  “So let me get this straight, you just randomly make out with every guy like that just to, oh I don’t know, see what happens?!” Brianna immediately went on the defensive, she’d made up her mind and that was that. “Oh yeah, mister it’s ok to use women like, like dental floss!” She stammered trying to insult him with a proper come back, to avoid answering for her actions.

  He raised his eye brows, opened, and shut his mouth. He’d never thought of it that way, and was temporarily at a loss. She took the opportunity to keep going on in the best Ryker imitation she could provide “yeah, look at me, as long as I’m straight up about it, I can do as I please, and no one gets hurt, no one’s getting treated like garbage here, no sirree!”

  He thought she looked too cute, all indignant and sarcastic, comparing the women he’d dated to dental floss! Who says that?! He wasn’t mad any more, he was enchanted. He closed the distance between them, grabbing her up in his arms, he spun her around. She had no other choice, but to grab him around the neck to hold on, so that she could talk. “Come on, Ryker, get serious!” He stopped spinning, and looked down at her with that one eye brow lifted, “you don’t think I’m serious right now?”

  He intended on showing her just how serious he was. “Ryker Ian Danner, for real put me down!” He kissed her neck, nibbling below her ear, when she tried to speak again he kissed her lips. She thought he felt so good, so safe. The word safe, and knowing that this was definitely not that had her, bouncing up putting him an arm’s length away. “Ryker, I’m sorry, I really am, I wanted this at first, I did, but not now, you don’t even know me!”

  He sat back on his haunches, fine he thought if that’s what she needs, reassurances, some convincing, he’d play along. He ran his hands through his hair and dropped them on his thighs, with a slapping sound. “I don’t know you? Yes I do, I know that book you were reading, yeah that’s your favorite book, and I bet you’ve read it multiple times. I know that blue is your favorite color, but because you love your little girl so much everything you own is purple. I know that you have a million things going on in your mind, and somehow you still manage to focus on the two most important 24/7. I know that you are artistic and craftsy enough to turn that bunch of drift wood into a beautiful piece of art. I know that you are too stubborn for your own good and that you like to do things for yourself because it makes you feel proud. I know that you sincerely like your job and are at ease with talking to strangers every day. I know that you are unaware just how gorgeous you are, yet you still know the effect you have on men. I know that you doubt yourself too much. I see that you are innocent and experienced all at the same time. I know without a doubt that you would die for your kids and probably came close to it.” He hushed momentarily grabbing her hands for emphasis. “I know all these things and more, but there are still so many things that I don’t know, Brianna, so much more about you that I want to get to know.”

  She was speechless, amazed by everything that he’d said. That was the most talking they had ever done and he seemed to know her better than she did herself. “Brianna, please lay with me, we don’t have to do anything, and we can just talk. He was sincere in his request, because he wanted to spend time talking to her almost as much as he wanted to make love with her.

  She wanted to, but she just couldn’t let her guard done like that. She shook her head. “No Ryker, I want you to go.” He didn’t want to scare her, but he also really wanted to punch the wall. He also wanted to show her how a real man could handle crushing disappointment, without beating the crap out of someone.

  “Fine,fine,I’ll go if that’s what you really want.” He got off the futon, but before he stepped out of her bedroom he paused for a moment. He was back at her side in three steps, she didn’t flinch this time or even look up, until he kissed the top of her head. He knelt down and kissed her softly on her lips, trailed a finger along her jawline, and rested his hand on the back of her neck.

  He rubbed her neck below the soft hair line, Ryker willed her to meet his stare, but she would not. He got up to leave, once again but this time, he had something to say. “I know something else about you Brianna, you know that I love you, and that scares the hell out of you, pro
bably more than anything.” He’d spoken without even looking her way. He left then with nothing left to say and barely resisted the urge to slam the apartment door.

  Brianna hurt, although not physical pain, it was just as real. She was sure that she could’ve had something special with Ryker, but that was a thing of the past. Maybe if she’d never been married to Mike, and wasn’t damaged goods. She felt like it was a sign of weakness to worry about the should, could a, would a’s in life. It was also counterproductive.

  She honestly didn’t think she’d ever be happy compromising, bending, and twisting herself to conform to the needs or wants of someone, just to satisfy some passing physical desire. The problem with that thinking was that it was in fact a lie.

  When fundamentally honest people, such as Brianna, chose to believe such a potentially self-destructive lie, it usually paves the way for little shreds of doubt to worm their way around in their minds and almost always fosters the growth of resentment, and their heart suffers for it most of all.

  Brianna tried to ignore increasing loneliness she felt. She acted like a stubborn child that was too ashamed to admit when they’d done wrong. She refused to give in to the sadness and dug her heels in so to speak. Telling herself she was fine, she still smiled the same, she still played with the kids the same, she went about her life the same, she just didn’t feel the same.

  She even thought that visiting Mike in jail would’ve helped to make her feel better, but even seeing him behind bars. She did get the answers she needed. She believed him about the gun, but that didn’t excuse the fact that he had it in the first place, or the unlawful circumstances with which he was driving her children.

  He mentioned that he could’ve already gotten out on bod, but had been too ashamed to contact his parents. He’d actually had the gall to ask her to do it! He admitted to her that he’d actually been lying to them about her leaving him all those months. She was incredulous upon hearing that and Brianna made him promise that he would call and tell them everything.

  All in all they’d been able to clear the air that way then they’d been able to in years, and she’d felt like at least that was an accomplishment. Brianna was definitely walking around in a funk though. She didn’t enjoy the picnics in the park as much, as especially when she’d see Rykers squad car pass by. She found that ironic too, because she’d never even noticed it before they’d met, even though he’d drive the same routes, several times daily.

  He always waved and nodded in a neighborly fashion. She’d gotten really bummed on Christmas Eve when she’d heard a whistle, and two little boys dressed as elves, had been standing at her door when she’d peeked out side. Together they’d stood there holding a box that seemed too heavy for even both of them to grasp much longer. They practically begged her to take it from them, and when she obliged she cried at the thoughtfulness of the gift.

  Inside the box was the complete collection of the Nickolas’s sparks books she loved, both hard and paper back copies. There was also a card with a note that read Just in case you have any more accidents, give the kids my love. And also enclosed were two gift certificates to Joe’s Bouncy House.

  She made Ryker a big dish of chicken Alfredo, making sure there’d be plenty theft over for an extra night. She also made him a delicious double chocolate fudge cake for desert. She taped a note to the top saying Hope it’s yummy, even Stevens. Thank you for the gifts.

  Thanks to his new bachelor status Aiden had moved two doors down from his brother. On his way to Ryker’s, hoping to hitch a ride to their mom’s for her birthday dinner, he’d passed a pretty thing rushing by in the opposite direction. He flashed a big smile of appreciation, and when she rolled her eyes dramatically, he guffawed loudly.

  He even walked the rest of the way backwards to appreciate the view a little longer. Way before he should’ve gotten to Ryker’s door he ran into something solid with a loud “oomph” He turned around and was smacked smartly on the side of the head by Ryker. “Don’t you have enough of your own women to ogle?”

  The brothers walked inside the house. Aiden groaned while rubbing his head, and slapped Ryker’s shoulder deciding to have a little fun at his brother’s expense. “Hey, sorry, how was I supposed to know she was yours, besides she didn’t mention it when we made plans to go out Saturday night?”

  Ryker was on him instantly like a rabid dog. Aiden almost choked on the piece of chocolate cake he’d bitten into without even asking, when Ryker landed a solid right hook, on his jaw. “That’s my cake too you piece of shhhh…”

  Aiden had been so caught off guard that before he knew it they were both on the floor in a stale mate, looking like bigger versions of his two sons when they fought over some new video game. “Dude, you need to chill, I was just messing with you back there, and I’m not seeing that girl!”

  Ryker released his grip he’d had on Aiden’s wind pipe. Aiden sat up and rubbed his jaw. “Is she the reason you’ve been walking around like a zombie, moping around for these past few weeks?” Ryker just nodded and laughed when Aiden taunted “Mom is gonna kick your butt when she sees what you’ve done to her baby!”

  17

  Brianna had to force herself to keep from looking back when she’d heard the life sized ken doll’s laugh, it’d sounded so much like Ryker’s. Sick of thinking about Ryker, she decided to take advantage of her mom having the kids for the weekend and go out with some friends for once.

  She went home and called Dominique to see if she wanted to tag along and also give her a ride. She dressed in the cutest dress she owned. She thought she’d been crazy for buying it at the time because she wasn’t sure when or even if she would ever get the chance to wear it.

  It was a dark rose colored dress made of a thick soft stretchy fabric and the skirt flared out like the dress baby wore in dirty dancing, it was the perfect dance for dancing. She didn’t wear hose, just some strappy silver wedges that showed her freshly pedicured toes.

  She was so revved up about the promise of grown up conversation and a night of dancing, she was ready an entire hour early. She’d walked to the store to buy some after party refreshments. Not sure which wine coolers tasted good she bought two different kinds.

  Of course it was just her luck she thought, groaning aloud at the sound of Ryker’s voice. Oh well she thought better get this over with, and walked to the front of the gas station to check out. She walked up to the counter where Ryker stood talking to the store clerk about some kids making trouble earlier that day.

  Ryker forgot what he’d been saying as soon as he saw her. He stepped back giving her more space, trying to move away so that he couldn’t smell her perfume, but doing that had only given him a better view. She tried to act like he was just some guy she’d never met in the store, feeling him look at her from head to toe.

  She smiled politely at him and then focused her attention on the clerk. The tension in the store was palpable, and the clerk was too busy watching the sparks fly between the two, to be much of a distraction for Brianna. “Thanks for dinner it was great, and my brother said the cake was delicious. Oh that explained why the blonde guy she’d passed on her way home had managed to sound exactly like him.

  “Don’t mention it, thanks for the books, too by the way.” He mimicked her polite tone when he said “planning on getting sloshed tonight are we?” She no longer wanted to avoid his stare, looking him straight in the eye she answered the last time I checked I didn’t need your permission, but since you’re asking, I’m planning on getting a lot of things tonight.

  She flipped her hair and walked out of the store. Oh huh ho, he thought fine with him if she wanted be that way, but he hurried out of the store after her to watch her leave, just the same.

  He was in a foul mood by the time he got home, and it really didn’t help any that he’d picked this week to quit smoking. He jabbed a couple of pieces of gum into his mouth on his way inside the house. He stewed about that last remark, about how she was “getting a lot of things” tonight. He
reached into the fridge for a beer. Thinking it was fine with him if she didn’t have any more respect for herself than to walk around getting drunk all willy nilly, doing lord only knows what with every guy she met, she wasn’t his problem. He was so wrapped up in his mental ranting’s that he forgot that he still had a mouth full of sweet bubble gum. When he took a big gulp of his beer he spit it out just as quick. Exclaiming loudly, he accusingly said “yuck!” as if someone else were to blame for the disgusting aftertaste in his mouth.

  Once he’d finished brushing his teeth, he took a look around at the mess in his house, he started to clean, but gave that up soon enough. His thoughts kept wondering back to the way the stretchy fabric had clung to Brianna’s curves. The only word he could think to describe how she’d looked standing there all dolled up, was the one she’d written on the note she’d tape to the dish she dropped off that morning, she looked yummy .

  Actually she’d looked delicious and the more he thought about it the hungrier he got. Damn it all to hell he thought, who was he kidding? She was too his friggin’ problem! Not wanting to hang around the house anymore he went to his bedroom to get ready. He was going to pick up Aiden and get out of the house for the night.

  Dominique picked Brianna up and the two women were a force to be reckoned with. She was dressed in a jewel toned blue number, almost the same style as the one Brianna wore. They both laughed when Brianna recalled how she had narrowed it down to the exact same dresses when she’d picked out the pink one, favoring it only because she wore the blue color all the time at work.

  Dominique had been just as excited as Brianna by the prospect of a girl’s night out. After squealing like school girls they headed out to meet up with her coworkers.

  There were only two places in the small town to go for drinks there was a beer joint called Billiards and a place called the Tavern ,but only one promised dancing, as well as live music, and that was the Tavern. They decided to stop at a small restaurant along the way first.