Life Over Love Read online

  She laughed before she realized Dominique’s hands hand stopped moving. Brianna regretted the confession immediately and wished she hadn’t said anything. Dominique cleared her throat and wrapped her hair in a towel.

  “Ok, girl just you go sit in my chair and I’ll fix you right up, he’s going to wish he’d taken better care of you.” She patted Brianna’s shoulder and went to get something from the back. “He’s going to be kicking himself, when I’m through with you!”

  The embarrassment passed and soon they were fast friends. Dominique was charmed by both children and she admired Brianna’s way with them. An hour had passed. They had talked about everything from Dominique’s ex-husbands to the differences in ethnic hair care. Dominique finished her hair lesson, and slowly spun the chair back around so that Brianna could see the end results.

  Dominique held her breath and kept her hands on Brianna’s shoulders. She watched Brianna’s reflection as she viewed her reflection. She had cut face framing layers along the entire length of her hair, but left it long. She also had given Brianna bangs that accentuated her best feature, making her eyes appear luminous.

  When Brianna tilted her head to the side, her smooth straight locks fell from her shoulder, revealing a layer of platinum blonde peeking through. She gasped and covered her mouth. The two women’s eyes met in the mirror and Brianna started crying. Dominique put her face cheek to cheek with Brianna’s and said to their reflection, “you look gorgeous, girl.”

  Brianna impulsively hugged her new friend and asked how much she owed. Dominique shook her head saying it was on the house. She gathered up the kids, and promised to stop in after court. They left the salon and a sassy new Brianna and her little love bugs practically floated back home.

  When she got the kids back inside and locked the door behind her Brianna happily went to the kitchen to fix dinner.

  “Wheewhoowhew”, she heard a whistle from the office across the hall from the kitchen. She stuck her head in to see who made the sound. “Well don’t you look pretty!” Mrs. Candy observed with a smile, while Brianna modeled her new do. “Thanks, I feel a lot better. I was getting kind of psyched out about having to face Mike next week. Nothing like cute new hair and a little makeup to lift a girl’s spirits.”

  “You’ll be fine, just look at the judge the whole time if you have to. I want you to know it’s just a piece of paper, I’m not trying to scare you, and I just don’t want you to become inattentive. I don’t want the TPO to give you a false sense of security. It is only effective when people have respect for authority and the law, I just want you to be aware. So I signed you up for a support group and safety classes for when you move out.”

  She wanted more than anything for this young woman to be successful. There were so many women who went through the shelter that ended up going back to their abusers, most of them repeatedly coming back , nearly dead or meeting a worse fate.

  The thought of leaving the safety of the shelter always gave Brianna a mini panic attack. She knew she’d have to face it eventually, she just didn’t want to right then. The program was only thirty days and she would need to secure a place in two weeks. She still had yet to even start looking for a job.

  She looked down at the floor while tracing the outline of the tile with the toe of her shoe. “What happens if I can’t manage to save for a place by the time the thirty days are up?” Mrs. Candy had anticipated the question and she motioned for Brianna to come in and close the door.

  “Sit here.” She patted the day bed where she slept when she’d have to work nights. Brianna sat down on the soft comforter and folded her hands in her lap. “I’ve discussed your situation with the board, and since you’ve shown so much potential, going out every day, and working towards getting your affairs in order we’ve decided to give you an extension. Time enough for you to get a job, once you have that we’ll pay for the first month’s rent, and half the deposit when you find a place.

  It was more generous than she could have hoped for. She had started to fret about not having a job yet, but was too worried about getting the protective order to focus on anything else. This was the chance she needed to make it on her own. “I don’t know how to thank you, or even what to say.” Brianna was overwhelmed by the kindness shown to her all day.

  Mrs. Candy stood up and went to sit beside Brianna hugging her tight she said “You just make it, you go out there for yourself, and you just be a success story. That’s all the thanks we need.”

  Brianna had just finished putting up their dishes, when she heard the voices of some of the kids from other families in the shelter. She looked across the hall into Mrs. Candy’s office. She experienced that odd feeling of déjà vu, as she watched the little kids surrounding the older woman, their dark eyes shining as they giggled in her lap, they reached up with their pudgy hands, and touched her fluffy white hair.

  Brianna Thought to herself, she’s just like Santa to those kids. Smiling inwardly she realized she had never felt surer that she was exactly where she was meant to be than at that moment.

  Her little family had finally settled down to sleep. Brianna on the top bunk and the children snuggled together on the bottom.

  A whimpering sound startled her out of a comfortable sleep. She hopped out of bed as mother’s do when their child is sick in the middle of the. She climbed down and knelt beside the bed. After her eyes adjusted to the dark, she was able to see where the sound had come from.

  Chelsea was whimpering and looking worried in her sleep. It was Brody however that broke her heart. He was laying on his stomach, his head cradled in his arms, and his cheeks were tear stained from where he’d been crying in his sleep, his little body still shuddering with his deep breaths.

  Both children had gone to sleep smiling with the warmth of her kiss still on their fore heads.

  Seeing them like that was enough for Brianna to send Brianna straight back to the only house they’d ever known, and no matter the consequences, back to their daddy. She crawled into the bed with them hugging them tight as she rocked and cried herself to sleep.

  8

  Brianna was still upset when they woke in the morning. She had more than halfway decided to call her mom to pick her up and take her back home. Mrs. Candy noticed the dark circles beneath her eyes, and saw the redness that remained from her crying. She knew the girl was on an emotional roller coaster and she wished there were something she could say to make her feel better.

  She waited for them to have their breakfast before calling Brianna back to her office. The other mothers and their children rarely got up before ten, so she put the Little Mermaid on the DVD payer before going to the office.

  Brianna felt miserable when she stepped into the room. She felt quite sure she was going to cry and confess that she didn’t think she could keep this up. She wanted to take her babies back to where they were familiar and happy.

  “What happened hun, to make you look so defeated this morning?” The compassion Brianna saw in her eyes was too much, and she plopped down on the bed crying into her hands. Mrs. Candy grabbed some tissue paper, wrapped her up in a motherly hug, and rocked her like she would a sobbing child, letting her cry it out.

  When Brianna was composed enough to talk, she wiped her eyes, nose, and laid it all on the table so to speak. “I just can’t do this to my kids Mrs. Candy, they’re so homesick, they were both crying in their sleep!” She started crying again before she could continue speaking. “Can you imagine how upset they must be, to cry like that, without even waking up? Instead of dreaming they were sobbing, I can’t go through with this.”

  Mrs. Candy felt sympathy for this sweet caring mother. She knew the lengths women like this would go for to instill happiness in their child’s hearts, but she also knew that this particular young woman was more than willing to lay down her life if need be. Going back to where they had come from would be ensuring a life filled with pain and suffering, and it promised to be a short one she feared.

  When Brianna was so
othed enough to listen, Mrs. Candy talked. “That Chelsea, she looks so much like you, and she wants to be just like you too, you know? She’s such a fun mixture of sweet bossiness, but she is caring too. Isn’t she? I’ve seen her mimic everything you do, you know she’s never going to grow out of that. She loves and admires her mommy.” Mrs. Candy held Brianna’s chin like she were one of her own. “If you go back there you will be sacrificing the most important thing in those baby’s lives. This difficulty will pass in time. The night mare you described to me that first night you came to stay with us, was not only your reality, hun, it was theirs too.

  Brianna nodded in agreement as Mrs. Candy went on. “Odds are your little girl would grow up to marry the same kind of guy like your husband, and your son would more than likely hurt his wife. I’ve seen it too many times before and I don’t want that for any of you.”

  Brianna let the words sink in while Mrs. Candy got out the notebook she had been recording their interview in when she first arrived. In it there were pictures and descriptions documenting everything. She opened it to the pages detailing the last fight, and saw the photos documenting her injuries.

  “Our brain has a way of protecting us from pain, we forget. Just like we forget the pain of child birth almost as soon as we hold our baby for the first time, it’s the same with this.”

  She pointed to the notebook. “You’ve probably already started to forget how bad it was, that’s normal, you’re coping. My advice is, read this whole file. Write yourself a letter, read it over and over again, anytime you have doubts that you did the right thing.

  She kept talking while Brianna perused the papers and touched the photos. “The average number of times a woman leaves an abusive spouse is seven times, and most of the time the abuse only ends when someone dies, usually it’s the woman. That’s the reality of it. I want you to know how special you are, I know this is hard, but I think you can really have something wonderful for yourself, and your babies.”

  To Brianna it seemed as though she were looking at pictures of someone else. She couldn’t believe that in a matter of weeks she had really almost forgotten the desperation she had felt before coming here. She couldn’t help but think how only last month she wasn’t able to hold a knife without imagining how it would feel to run the blade across her wrists, and how she longed for the peace that death would bring.

  Brianna was ashamed of thinking about running back. She agreed with Mrs. Candy, she wanted a better life for her children. She would never forgive herself if she didn’t protect her them from that fate. “I’ll bring this back, if that’s ok.” Brianna smiled politely and Mrs. Candy said “you take all the time you need, hun.” After Brianna left the room Mrs. Candy sat still staring at the door, she’d hoped she had gotten through to the girl, but couldn’t be sure.

  Both children had fallen back asleep on the couch. Brianna used the quiet time to sit down and write the letter, but rather than write it to herself, she wrote as if she were writing to her children. She spoke to them on the pages, leaving nothing out, every detail of the abuse that she could remember right up to the day she had decided to leave.

  She wrote of her doubts, and how upset she felt seeing them hurting, and although she probably would never give it to them even if they were old enough to understand, writing it all down like that was therapeutic, reliving the nightmare was enough to harden her resolve and change her mind about ever going back.

  9

  “Hurry up guys’ mommy has to be ready in twenty minutes!” Brianna scurried around the little room, rummaging around, trying to get the kids clothes together. That was no easy task considering they still had the majority of their possessions in trash bags. She hated trying to get ready like that, when she felt rushed, and unorganized.

  It seemed like she couldn’t get her hands on anything she needed and it didn’t help that she had overslept, and Brody hadn’t. She woke up only because he was jabbing her eyeball out with her lipstick.

  Her eyes had popped open, she’d bounded out of bed, and nearly tore the clock out of the wall trying to see what time it was. Her relief had only lasted for about a minute, because after she sat the clock back on the little desk she noticed shimmery purple stuff on her hand, and all the way down her arm. Brianna groaned aloud and looked at the ceiling.

  She had spun around and lunged towards Brody. He squealed and bounced cheerfully out of reach. To him the game was on, Brianna stood back up pretending to give up. She groaned loudly when she noticed all her makeup strewn all over the bed, shimmery eye shadows were smeared all over the white sheets, the tip of her lipstick had broken when he’d poked her eye with it.

  Realizing that he was poised to draw on the wall with what was left of the tube, she caught him up real quick, and popped him soundly on his bottom. His indignant wail had successfully woke Chelsea, and that’s pretty much the way Brianna’s entire morning continued.

  She cursed herself for not laying out their clothes, but just as soon thanked the lord that she hadn’t or else her outfit would have ended up covered in makeup along with everything else in the room.

  Her mom was coming to take her to court and watch the kids. She finally managed to get the kids dressed, asked Mrs. Candy to keep an eye out, and while they ate she ran back to get ready. After fixing her hair, she tried to salvage what she could of her makeup, sadly all that survived were her mascara and eyeliner. She applied both and checked her reflection in the mirror.

  She still loved her hair, it looked almost as good as when Dominique had fixed it. She didn’t have time to primp so she put on the two piece dress suit her mom had sent.

  The outfit was a black stretched knit, form fitted knee length pencil skirt, with a matching top, and the quarter length sleeves had a white cuff that matched the white collar. She felt sophisticated and feminine all at once, and her black suede heels with the white rose embellishment were the perfect accessory.

  She felt and looked like a woman who was secure and rarely had any doubts, but her insides were a mess. She was pleased with her appearance, Brianna hoped to make Mike regret everything, and let him see how much better off she was without him. She thought it odd that she wanted him to want her, and she wanted very much to be the one in control for once. Brianna wasn’t the spiteful or vindictive type, but she was eager to see Mike suffer at her hands.

  She grabbed her files and purse before walking out of their room. “Thanks Mrs. Candy, I was this close to pulling my hair out this morning!” Brianna hugged her tight. “No problem hun, you take care now, and I wanna hear all about it when you get back.” Brianna tidied up the kids, and together they hustled to the library to meet Brianna’s mom.

  Mary was anxiously waiting when they walked up, but she was caught by surprise when Brianna came into view. She hadn’t seen Brianna so radiant in years. Oh the nerves were there, but Brianna had gained a few healthy pounds, her angular face looked softer, and the hollows around her eyes were less pronounced erasing that haunted look she had worried about the last time she had seen her.

  Brianna’s face was flushed pink from the walk and she seemed to glow from inside out. Her eyes danced when she saw her mom, whereas for so long they’d seemed weary and dull. Brianna was so excited to be with family again, she impulsively hugged Mary, spinning around like a school girl, she modeled. “So what do you think?”

  Mary smiled, “you look beautiful baby, and I love your hair!” Not to be upstaged “What about me nana, I have purple sparkly shoes.” Chelsea was spinning with her head down, enjoying the dizzying effect while showing off her shoes. Mary knelt down, “you are the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, come here give nana some sugars.” Chelsea bounced towards her nana and after all the hugs and praises were finished, they drove back to the town they’d left a little over a month ago.

  Mike was excited to see Brianna again, but he had been nervous all morning. Although he had been making one hundred percent more of an effort, cleaning the house, and going to work, and all he’d sti
ll been drinking more than eating, and it showed.

  He had wanted to be at his best for today, so he hadn’t stayed up too late, he’s shaved, wore his best clothes, and hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol for two days. His shirt hung a little too loose on his shoulders from the weight he’d lost, and he would’ve given anything for a beer.

  The moment her black suede heels passed by his line of vision by the spot on the floor where he’d been staring, he forgot all about the beer. Mike’s breath caught in his chest. He allowed his gaze to travel up to those feminine ankles, along the length of her shapely legs, soft rounded hips hugged by the black skirt, the new fullness of her breasts, and finally her pink cheeks.

  He’d seen that blush before and it gave him hope. He wanted more than anything to reach out to her, and wrap his arms around her once again. He wanted to cry into her soft hair and beg her to take him back, and he would have if there weren’t a judge and fifteen other people in the room.

  Brianna had blushed under the heat of his stare, but only because she could actually feel his thoughts. Once upon a time all he had to do was look at her like that and she’d melt.

  That was the past, and all that mattered to her now was the future, and she knew she had no room in her future for him, as anything other than the biological father of her children.

  The moment she realized that she was enlightened, she felt strong and sure. Her eyes twinkled when she defiantly met his stare. She gave him a small polite smile and nodded in greeting.

  Her bold stare put Mike at a loss. He felt the nerves again, like his heart was a bird fluttering in his chest. He could barely concentrate on the proceedings because she stood so near that he could smell the sweet pea scented conditioner she favored.