Life Over Love Read online

  The judge had to repeat questions to him more than once, and before he knew what had even happened they were being dismissed, it was over. The protective order was granted and his life was over.

  He looked wildly around the room, “wait your honor, wait! It’s over, just like that! I’m not allowed to see my wife, my kids?! I can’t say anything to stop this? I have some stuff I’d like to say, your honor, judge, sir.”

  Mike had trailed off with the word sir, Brianna who had nearly made it to the door was once again facing him, and he had looked pleadingly into her eyes while he’d spoken to the judge.

  His honor took a look at the young couple and answered “son, it’s not permanent, however you are ordered to stay at least 100 feet away from her for the next forty five days. She will most likely be taking that time to get her life settled. I suggest you take this time to get some help. I assume her next step will be to file for divorce, if you have any hopes of salvaging any form of a relationship with this young lady, it would be in your best interest to seek counseling. The best thing for you to do right now is to keep your distance, do you understand?”

  Mike was afraid to look away from Brianna even for a second, but he did. He nodded and mumbled “yes, sir”. Quickly looking back towards the door, hoping she would still be there.

  The disappointment evident by the sudden sagging of his shoulders, he seemed as if to be carrying a heavy load on his back. The empty doorway only confirmed what he had already known, she was gone.

  Brianna cried as she sprinted back towards the car, she took off the heels, and practically ran the rest of the way. She was glad to find that Mary and the kids were still at the park by the square.

  She was crying because she wasn’t as cold hearted as she’d hoped. She had wanted to hate him. To revel in his broken pride, she had thought she’d feel great, but instead all she felt was sorrow. There was no room in her heart for hate, filled as it was with pity and sadness.

  He had once been the love of her life. Comparing the boy so full of hopes and dreams to the man defeated and listless, was heart breaking. She grieved for the boy whose side she had never wanted leave, and she mourned the loss of that love.

  Brianna used the rest of the time that she had alone in the car relaxing and letting her emotions play themselves out. She felt at peace with the way things had turned out and knew that it still wasn’t over until the divorce proceedings were a thing of the past.

  She was reapplying her mascara when Mary got back with the kids. Mary loved to see Brianna looking so fresh faced and happy. They spent the rest of the afternoon together. Brianna confided her plans and hopes to Mary who just listened, and enjoyed hearing the sound of her daughter chatter on like she had as child.

  After seeing her and the kids her heart felt more at ease. She had worried about Brianna being thrown into single parenthood, with two small children, and the added stress of having to get so much done in such a narrow time frame could prove to be too much. However sitting back, looking at Brianna, prettily describing her plans for the future, had her chastising herself for not having enough faith. Clearly Brianna would be just fine.

  10

  Days turned into weeks and the time seemed to evaporate before Brianna’s eyes. Brianna was relentless in her search for a job. She made sure to get an early start each day

  . She alternated between three dressy outfits, wearing tennis shoes until they approached the doors. Then she would switch them out and stroll inside, kids and all. Nine times out of ten, the supervisors would say they weren’t hiring, the rest made empty promises to call.

  She understood that they took one look at them and saw someone who would have trouble finding child care, it was a catch twenty two, and she needed an apartment to settle them in school and a job to get the apartment.

  Brianna was feeling particularly discouraged when she happened by the Dominique’s salon and decided to stop in for a while, even to just take a load off. Dominique excitedly waved her over, Chelsea hopped around the salon, complementing all the pretty ladies, and Brody was sound asleep in the stroller.

  “Hey girl, I’m so glad to see you again!” Dominique moved some magazines off the chair next to her station and told her to sit. Her client didn’t even look up from her magazine. So Brianna sat down and told her everything.

  When she relayed the bit about crying like a baby afterwards she asked “Do you think that’s crazy, I mean why I even care how he feels?” Dominique clicked her tongue before answering “No girl, I think that’s perfectly normal. He may have behaved like an ass, but you have those two babies over there, made from love. Letting something like that, it hurts.” Brianna nodded in agreement. Dominique had a way of talking so plain that complicated things became simple.

  “So what are y’all up to today, just walking around town?” Brianna answered casually, but sighed anyhow. “Um nooo, I was job hunting, but I think the stroller and passengers are a big red flag for potential employers.” Brianna swung back and forth the way Chelsea always did in the rotating chairs. “I’m going to have to change it up soon though, our time at the shelter is almost up, and I haven’t saved a dime.”

  “I could take ‘em sometime for you, my twin girls would probably really hit it off with Chelsea!” She didn’t want to take advantage of her friend and said as much. She went on to explain “I’m just venting anyways, my mom is coming tomorrow to give me ride and baby sit for a while. I’m going to see if Wal-Mart is hiring, how do you think I’ll look in blue?” She gave her best pin up pose. Dominique laughingly called her a nut!

  When their visit was over Brianna hugged her friend. “Wish me luck tomorrow, Wal-Mart is my favorite store, and I do want to get our kids together for a play date soon, ok.” Dominique waved her friend off, and said a silent prayer that she would get that job.

  Mary had an appointment, couldn’t be there until 2p.m. And Brianna didn’t want to waste any time, so she left early as usual anyways. They stayed close to the railroad tracks. It took an hour and a half to make it there and when they got into the cool doors all three needed to stop by the bathroom to freshen up.

  Both children were hot, tired, and fussy. The weather was unseasonably warm for October, it could have just as easily passed for August the way they were all sweating. Brianna was seriously reconsidering talking to a manager or even sitting at the dang kiosk. “Excuse me, hi those are beautiful babies you have there.” The lovely red head noticed the fatigue in all their faces as she washed her hands at the sink.

  Brianna still managed a sincere smile while struggling to hold the squirming toddler up to the sink. Chelsea popped out from under the stall, danced a jig around the lady’s legs and started singing her complaints for the whole bathroom audience to hear.

  In a sing song voice she chanted “We are hot hot hot, Brody hates the stroller a lot lot lot, Mommy won’t stop, stop, stop, and get us some ice-creaaaaam!” The woman laughed at the theatrical little girl, she also noticed the blush and embarrassment felt by the mother.

  She held Brianna’s gaze in the mirror when she said “they are darling.” Brianna thanked her “we’ve been walking all day, and now I kind of wish we’d stayed home.” The lady smiled sympathetically and said “we all have days like that.” She bent down and handed two stickers to Chelsea, reminded her to share them with her brother, and bid them good afternoon.

  Feeling somewhat refreshed, Brianna bought the kids their precious ice-cream and decided now’s as good a time as any to fill out that application. Sitting on the bench in the back of the store she filled out the forms.

  Thankfully the kiosk was down and she could take her time on the papers. By the time the kids were finished with their ice-creams they were badly in need of another cleansing trip to the restroom, and Brianna was ready to turn in the application.

  She handed it in to the older grumpy lady behind the counter. What she’d been too busy to see while filling out the paperwork with her head down, was the lady she’d met in the ba
throom, passing by on her way to her office behind the double doors.

  Feeling like that had been a huge waste of time since she’d had no way of knowing that as soon as she walked away, the red headed lady made a point of scooping up her application, and carrying it into her office. Brianna sulked to the service desk to use the phone and call her mom.

  She was too tired to walk home and thanked God for small miracles when she learned the Mary was already on the way and only a fifteen minute drive away.

  Mary was sorry when she saw how disheveled Brianna looked that she hadn’t been able to get out of her appointment. She had known that Brianna was going to go through with her plans, with or without her help.

  Mary knew better than to ask how it went, she could tell by the way Brianna laid her head back, and kept her eyes closed, that Brianna didn’t feel like talking.

  She could tell that Brianna was trying hard to hold back tears.

  Mary patted her leg and took them all out to dinner. They both enjoyed the rest of their evening together and by the end of their visit Brianna was in better spirits. Brianna had Mary drop her off at the entrance to the subdivision, to save her some steps.

  She grimaced when she got inside and took off her tennis shoes. Brianna was so exhausted she pushed the stroller through the house all the way back to their room. She let Brody sleep in the stroller while she got Chelsea and herself ready for bed.

  She quietly tucked the kids in. Brody was so out of it that he didn’t even stir when she removed his shoes and sweaty socks. She snuggled in between the two as was their habit. Before she could fall asleep she heard a soft knocking on the door. Mrs. Candy brought her a note on a post it. “I took this message for you earlier, have a good night.”

  Mary had to chuckle to herself when she heard the excited “Yessssss!” that Brianna had exclaimed behind the closed door.

  11

  As exhausted as she had been Brianna still could scarcely sleep all night. The message on the post it note said four of the most beautiful words she’d ever seen on paper, Wal-Mart orientation 8am Monday.

  Nothing could spoil her mood or keep her in doors, not the impending court date for the divorce hearing, not a cranky teething toddler, and certainly not a few rain clouds.

  Dominique had been thrilled by the good news, and swooped in offering to take the kids to the park. She spent the day pouring over books in the law library. By the time Dominique got back with the kids, Brianna had a direct, simple, divorce decree printed, copied, and highlighted in all the places that required signatures.

  Everything was pretty straight forward, it was as fair as she could make it, he got the kids every other weekend, and holidays, and she asked for the minimum amount of child support. Actually the only unique stipulation in the divorce was the fact that she wanted a neutral drop off destination for the kids.

  The police station seemed like the perfect choice.

  Brianna asked Dominique to look it over. When she finished reading over the papers she just sat back and stared at Brianna as if she’d grown a third boob or something. “What’s wrong, do you think it’s too amateurish, like the judge won’t take me serious, or what?”

  Brianna shook her head and broke out into a huge grin. “Brianna! You did so good, I’m impressed, and I’m going to hire you to file my next divorce if I ever find another husband! I thought you didn’t finish high school?”

  Still not used to compliments she blushed answering “well I can read can’t I?” Dominique slapped the steering wheel, “you sure can girl, and seems to me like you can do anything you set your mind to. You need to go back to school, and become a lawyer, that’s what you should do!”

  The way Brianna was feeling that was possible, anything was possible. She looked in the back seat at all the sleepy little sweeties. Thought the same thing again, and said it out loud this time “anything is possible.”

  12

  The weeks following orientation flew by and before she knew it Brianna was spending her day’s apartment hunting. She wanted something close to the library, work, and the park. She found the perfect little place right next door to the park. The apartment was on a cute street level unit, with lots of upgrades, and she’d already managed to save her half of the deposit.

  It all happened so fast Brianna felt like she hardly had enough time to say her good byes, and she was already moved out of the shelter into her own place. With the divorce drawing near she was already missing the refuge of the shelter.

  She hoped that the time and space she had put between herself and Mike had been enough to serve as an antidote that could cure the poison that threatened their lives when they were together. The anger and retribution she had held onto when she had first fled had since been replaced by pardon and sympathy.

  Each little piece of independence she gained resulted in pity for what Mike must be going through. She knew that he must be missing the kids something fierce, and without anyone around to take it out on, he had probably existed in a drunken fog. She hoped that he would use the time a lone productively, but she doubted that he would.

  She wished they could go through with the divorce and end up on good terms, remain friends for the kid’s sakes, and learn from their mistakes. However she wasn’t under any delusions that those things would happen overnight, and she went back and forth with the decision to opt against the permanent restraining order.

  She didn’t not to be bitten by what she had hoped to be a peace offing, it was too late to change it now though, so to keep the worries at bay she kept herself busy. She didn’t have any furniture, but she still unpacked those faithful black trash bags for the last time. She folded up their clothes and lined the all up along the walls in their little closets.

  She decided the thriftiest thing to do remedy the bed situation, was to order a bunk bed, with a futon bottom bunk. She would keep the futon in her room, and the twin would go to the kid’s room. Dominique came by almost every Sunday and together they did their grocery shopping.

  She still relished her time hanging out every time she went shopping.

  The weather was rapidly getting cooler and Brianna was glad for the excuse to get them some new clothes, she’d splurged a little on that front, but for the first time in a long time she felt like a real person in society. She was working, paying bills, the kids were in school. It was the combination of all those little things made life a little less scary and a lot more inviting.

  A little over a month had passed since she’d prepared the papers and filed for divorce. She’d arranged for the time off from work, the kids were settled in at their school and the ease with which she was able to calmly get ready for court was creeping her out. To her it was like the calm before the storm.

  She had been able to take a calming bath, she’d even lathered herself up with the fragrant lotion, before she had to get dressed. She painted her nails and ate breakfast.

  While eating she perused her paper work. Not too shabby for someone who couldn’t afford to even consult an attorney, she was getting good at the positive self-talk, and she patted herself on the back for that as well.

  She slipped into the Navy blue silk dress and was pleased with the way the cowl neckline enhanced her bust line and drew attention to the silver locket her mom gave her for her birthday. After she was completely dressed she put on her tennis shoes ready for her walk to court.

  She put the papers back in her bag and carried her pumps. She enjoyed the walk to the court house, it gave her time to figure out what she would say to Mike. Nothing could completely calm the nerves that made her stomach quake though, because this would be the first time speaking to Mike since his birthday a few months ago.

  The closer she got to the court house the slower she walked, in an attempt to delay the inevitable. Brianna still ended up arriving half an hour early, so she decided to sit on the steps for a few minutes before going in. She put on the dressy shoes and sited out the papers for the tennis shoes in her bag.

  Once in
side she went to the restroom to freshen up further passing time. Before entering the courtroom she stopped at the water fountain in between the restrooms. Brianna had closed her eyes like most people do when drinking cool fountain water, but she opened them the second she’d heard Mike s voice.

  She made no attempt to stop him from brushing her hair from the side of her face and tucking it behind her ear, she listened as he muttered something about her smelling good before she stood back up. She quickly swiped the water away from her lips with the back of her hand. Turning away from the water fountain she came face to face with Mike and tried to push him back.

  Neither spoke for a moment, Mike wanted to hold her gaze as long as possible. He’d sorely missed seeing her pretty face. Brianna wanted to put some space between them. Although he’d done his best to disguise it, she could still smell the alcohol on his breath.

  She could feel his muscles tensing beneath her palm. It was clear to her that like her, he had filled the days with work to pass the time, in his case it made him stronger.

  The betrayal of her body’s reaction to being so close to him only added insult to injury and she tried to withdraw her hand, but Mike simply covered her hand with his own. “Bri I never wanted this for us.” He kissed her finger tips while still staring into her eyes.

  Brianna turned her face away, but hearing his pleading tone was hard to listen to. Especially when everything that made her a woman was on fire with the need to be held again.

  She snatched back her hand, although she was wedged between him and the restroom door, she still managed to twist and squeeze past him out into the hallway. “Me neither Mike, but sometimes there’s things we can’t take back, things that can’t be fixed. I’ll talk to you after court.”

  She walked as calmly as she could on her weak knees and took her seat. Brianna’s heart started pounding from the moment Mike took his seat until she got the chance to utter the words “irretrievably broken” and the judge dismissed them from the court room.